Figuring out how to support a loved one with addiction is challenging. There’s a balance between offering love and support and protecting your boundaries.
Wondering how to talk to someone about addiction or what not to say to someone with addiction are understandable questions because a loved one’s life and many relationships are at stake.
Whether a family member is struggling with substance use disorder or you’re helping a friend with opioid addiction, your support is vital.
“The alternative to care and help, from the epidemic perspective, is potentially loss of life. You might be their last lifeline to care,” said Dr. Holly L. Geyer, M.D. of Mayo Clinic. “If it is safe to do so, it’s important to stay by their side and help them through what could be a relapsing disorder.”
This guide from Hennepin County covers how to support and communicate with a loved one who is battling addiction and the next steps for helping them get treatment.
Recognize that addiction is a chronic, relapsing brain disorder.
For many family members and friends, coping with a loved one’s addiction-driven erratic and uncontrollable behavior is overwhelming and heartbreaking, and communicating seems impossible. One thing to remember before attempting any communication is that addiction is a chronic, relapsing neuropsychiatric disease. The National Institute of Health notes that drugs over-activate their brain’s reward circuit, which prompts drug-seeking to feel this high. They also hinder the prefrontal cortex’s ability to solve problems, make decisions, and exert self-control over impulses.
Recognizing this biological aspect of addiction is essential to destigmatize it and eliminate judgment when you’re talking to a loved one about their opioid use disorder.
How to support a loved one with addiction.
Understanding that addiction is not a moral failure can open communication lines, and showing compassion can help your loved one feel less defensive. When expressing your concerns about a loved one’s addiction, don’t be accusatory or confrontational. Instead, frame your feelings with an “I” statement and say, “I’m worried about your safety.”
Due to the heavy stigma about addiction in society, people struggling with addiction often expect others to criticize and reject them. To reassure your loved one, be kind and treat them with respect. When you express your feelings and concerns about their addiction, do so without judging them. To do this, avoid saying something like, “You should be ashamed of yourself for abusing opioids.” Instead, say something like, “Everyone needs help at some point. You don’t have to be ashamed of your addiction.”
Avoid name-calling and negative addiction references.
Name-calling is hurtful and insulting in any situation. Never call someone who is struggling with opioid use disorder a “junkie,” “druggie,” or “substance abuser.” And don’t use the negative term “clean” for recovery, which implies their addiction makes them “dirty.”
Someone’s addiction doesn’t define who they are as a person. Therefore, always refer to them as a “person with an addiction” or a “person struggling with addiction” instead of an “addict.”
So, instead of saying, “I can’t believe you’re a junkie. Why can’t you get clean?” try, “I am sorry you are struggling with addiction. I am here to help you.”
Also, don’t support the negative belief that someone struggling with addiction is destructive, selfish, and lazy. Control your tone of voice, and don’t cast blame with your words or tone when you speak to them.
For example, never say, “You’re so selfish. Why can’t you just stop using drugs?” Instead, say, “You’re my friend no matter what. I care about you. How can I help you?”
Be an active listener and don’t criticize.
To keep communication flowing, you need to be an active listener and not criticize your loved one. Harvard Business Review notes, “Active listening is when you not only hear what someone is saying but also attune to their thoughts and feelings. It turns a conversation into an active, noncompetitive, two-way interaction.”
If someone opens up to you about their substance use issues, actively listen to them without interrupting or criticizing them. Also, don’t focus on their addiction in every conversation. Ask them things you would ask any other family member or friend, like what’s happening at work or if they want to go for a walk in the park.
For example, if you call them and they don’t pick up, don’t leave a voicemail saying, “Why aren’t you picking up? Are you using?” Instead, say, “Hi, I was just wondering if you want to go to the park tomorrow afternoon? Call me back.”
If your friend admits they think they have a substance use issue, don’t wave it off. Support them by listening, letting them know you’re proud they are acknowledging the problem, and asking them how to help.
Offer nonjudgmental help to get treatment.
It’s painful to watch a loved one struggle with addiction, and it’s natural to want them to get help. However, they may not be ready, and you can’t dictate what they should do. Don’t pressure them. Instead, offer your help in a non-judgmental way. Say, “I want you to feel your best. I can help you research treatment centers or therapists if you want.”
If they aren’t ready, let them know you will be there when they are. Be prepared to handle the logistics of arranging treatment, as they might not be physically or cognitively able to do so.
Remember, recovery is possible.
With professional treatment and support, opioid addiction recovery is possible. Remember, though, that relapse is also possible. Realizing that opioid use disorder is a lifelong condition can help people make better choices about medicinal use and other substance use in the future.
Hennepin County provides services to people struggling with opioid addiction, including ways to get help and treatment for themselves and care for families. Call Hennepin County Behavioral Health Center at 612-348-4111.
For national assistance for you or a loved one struggling with opioid use disorder, substance use disorder, or addiction, contact the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 for treatment referral and information.
