Emotionally preparing for the holiday season

 

It is many people’s favorite time of year again, the holiday season. This is a season of joy, hope and excitement. It is also a season of sorrow, pain and disappointment. No matter what end of the excitement continuum you are on, it is a season of emotions.

 

I recently asked a group of young adults what some of their fondest memories from the holidays are. They shared a lot of similarities: grandma’s peach cobbler, playing card games with cousins, and the special gift that they waited all year to receive. Everyone in the room was in sync with one another about these joyful moments.

Then one person, a young Black female who did not say much during the session, stated, “I hate the holidays.”

I asked her, “What about the season troubles you?”

With a serious look on her face, she stated, “Every year in my family someone gets in a fight about some old *blank* that happened years ago.” She continued to share several stories that have happened in the past few years of her family members getting into serious fights with one another.

It hit me hard, because I felt the same way. In my family we had several gatherings with folks arguing and fighting with one another. I was not the only one who connected with her pain either.

One person mentioned how his two uncles got into a fight and one was shot. Soon after, another student mentioned being homeless last year during Christmas. Another student talked about losing her grandfather the day before Thanksgiving. Many of us can relate to these experiences, all of them leaving us with unpleasant reflections years later.

The young lady who ignited the sharing of stories was discussing the trauma and pain that our families hold. The holiday season is just a prime, opportune time for our families to address conflict.

One of the major igniters of this pain are family secrets. We all have them. Your family does and my family does. Some of those secrets are small, like when one of the cousins received a DWI over the summer. Other secrets are huge, like someone isn’t the mother of this person that we also thought was their parent. The list of secrets can be long and range from “little thangs” to “big deals.”

So, how do we deal with this? Why do we harbor so many traumas and keep them tucked away? Also, why do we not have practices in place to address our secrets in a healthy manner? These are critical cultural questions that I have asked myself.

I ponder on these things because for the past four years I have practiced as a therapist. Every year, I have had at minimum two clients who return to a session after New Year’s and express how difficult their holiday season has been.

As a collective, we must develop more constructive habits and traditions in dealing with the pain within our families. Our family secrets cannot be kept without taking some sort of constructive action to address them.

I understand this is easier said than done. Addressing our own pain is hard enough. When faced with doing things to the people you love the most, it is even harder. However, that does not mean that something cannot be done about it.

We usually just allow these things to fester and “go along to get along.” This then leaves us living in pain silently. We must heal individually, in couples, in families, and as a community.

However, it all starts with you. So, make sure the time you spend with your family over the next few weeks is meaningful and carries triumph into the next generation instead of pain.

 

Brandon Jones M.A. is a mental health practitioner. He welcomes reader responses to Brandon@jegnainstitute.com or follow him on twitter @UniversalJones.