Many feel conflicted mourning Charlie Kirk’s death

The recent death of conservative activist Charlie Kirk has left many feeling a profound sense of loss, and rightly so. His death is a tragedy, and our immediate thoughts should be with his wife and daughters who are now grappling with an unimaginable loss. 

This is a moment to mourn for a life cut short and for the experiences his family will never have. But for many, this tragedy has also surfaced a more complicated set of emotions, leading to what I, as a marriage and family therapist, call conflicted mourning.

While some mourn a voice they found inspiring and a positive force for the future, others feel something else entirely. For them, Kirk’s rhetoric was not a source of inspiration but of pain. They saw him as a prominent figure whose views on cultural groups and identities were derogatory and hurtful, and they experienced his words as fueling a climate of hate. 

This creates a difficult emotional landscape: a universal sense of compassion for any loss of life clashing with the memory of a need to protect oneself from the negative impact of that life. If you find yourself in this state of conflicted mourning, here are three things to consider as you process these feelings.

1. It’s okay to mourn a person’s loss of life without celebrating their life’s work. We often fall into the trap of thinking that mourning a death is an endorsement of how a person lived. This is simply not true. We are all complex beings with both good and bad aspects. 

When we lose a loved one, we don’t erase the difficult memories; we simply acknowledge that both the good and the bad existed. It is possible to feel genuine sadness for the sudden, violent end to a human being’s life and the pain it has caused his family, even if you found fault with his public actions or words. You can separate the tragedy of his death from any criticism of his life.

2. Mourning a death does not mean you approve of everything the person said or did. Just as you can mourn a death without celebrating the life, you should also be wary of assuming that everyone who chooses to mourn Kirk’s death approves of everything he said. 

It’s a powerful temptation to see those who are grieving as a threat because you believe their sadness equates to an endorsement of his views. Resist this temptation. Allowing space for people to feel and express shared sadness for an untimely death can create a bridge, even if you disagree on other issues. Don’t feel you have to deny your own feelings of sadness to prove your disapproval of his life, and don’t make others your enemies just because they are mourning.

3. All loss of life offers an opportunity to learn from the past and build a better future. Tragedies like this often stem from extreme political polarization and the vilification of those with differing beliefs. This is a problem that law enforcement and political leaders can’t solve alone; we all have a part to play. 

One of the most impactful things we can do is to listen to others’ motivations. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them or even consider their ideas equally valid. However, offering a basic level of respect and a willingness to listen can reduce the feeling of being unheard and unseen — a feeling that can, in extreme cases, lead to desperate and violent acts.

Creating space for conflicted mourning allows us to process and express a complicated mix of emotions. It’s an opportunity to acknowledge the legitimacy of the tragedy while also wrestling with the relief that a perceived threat is gone. Resisting the urge to polarize others who feel differently can lead to more understanding and healthier relationships, no matter our differences. We can all benefit from creating environments where people feel safe enough to be conflicted in their grief.

Lambers Fisher is a licensed marriage & family therapist, author, TEDx speaker, and host of The Diversity Dude Podcast.

Check out his podcast, The Diversity Dude Podcast, at https://www.shelettamakesmelaugh.com/thediversitydude, his book, at Diversity in Clinical Practice (Book): https://www.lambersfisher.com/book/, or reach him directly at his website, www.lambersfisher.com.