Boundaries: The skill most of us were never taught

Breaking the Chains, Part 2

Did you know that simply saying “no” is a healthy boundary?

Growing up in the 1990s, some of us learned about personal space and our little “bubble.” But who taught us why boundaries matter, how to establish them or what happens when we don’t?

We were taught to respect adults, share, forgive and be nice. But who taught us that we could love someone and still say no?

In my first Breaking the Chains column, I compared trauma to a storm cloud. Painful experiences accumulate until that storm affects our relationships, behaviors and choices. Boundaries are one tool that can help us keep more layers from forming.

Boundaries are invisible gates that protect our physical, emotional and mental well-being. They define our needs, values and limits while helping us respect those of others.

But what happens when those gates don’t exist?

We may become people-pleasers, constantly prioritizing others while neglecting ourselves. We overcommit, overwork, struggle to say no and tolerate disrespect. Eventually, we experience exhaustion, frustration or resentment.

The consequences aren’t always emotional. According to the American Psychological Association, chronic stress can affect our physical and mental health, contributing to headaches, sleep disturbances, anxiety, depression and cardiovascular problems.

Think about how often we say yes when we’re already overwhelmed. We sacrifice sleep, family time or emotional energy because we’re afraid of disappointing someone. Over time, those decisions can become patterns.

At work, unclear limits and excessive demands can contribute to stress and exhaustion. The World Health Organization identifies burnout as an occupational phenomenon resulting from chronic workplace stress that hasn’t been successfully managed. Its characteristics include exhaustion, increased mental distance from work and reduced professional effectiveness.

In relationships, inconsistent boundaries can create confusion, resentment and repeated conflict. When we never communicate our limits, others may not recognize them. When someone repeatedly disregards clearly communicated boundaries, trust can deteriorate.

For survivors of trauma, establishing boundaries can be especially challenging. If saying no once resulted in punishment, rejection or fear, saying yes may have become a survival skill. What protected us during childhood may no longer serve us in adulthood.

The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration identifies safety, empowerment, voice and choice as essential principles of trauma-informed care.

Having difficulty establishing boundaries never makes someone responsible for another person’s abuse or harmful behavior.

Early in my foster-parenting journey, a therapist taught me an illustration that changed how I understood boundaries. I’ve continued sharing it because sometimes we need to visualize what we’re experiencing.

Imagine four different fences.

The brick wall: a tall, solid wall without an entrance. These rigid boundaries may protect us from harm, but they can also prevent connection, support and growth. We may become isolated, even from people who genuinely care.

The barbed wire fence: you can see through it, but its sharp edges can hurt those who approach. Your boundaries may be necessary, but harsh communication can create unnecessary conflict. Being firm doesn’t require being hurtful.

The meadow: an open field without a fence or gate. Everyone has access. These overly open boundaries can leave us vulnerable to overcommitment, exhaustion and relationships where our needs are repeatedly overlooked.

The wooden gate: flexible but firm. You decide when to open or close it, allowing healthy relationships while protecting your well-being.

The goal isn’t to build the strongest wall. It’s to create boundaries that protect us without keeping us from growing.

So how do we establish them? I encourage people to remember the three C’s: communicate, be clear and be consistent.

Communicate your needs. Be clear about your limits and what you’ll do if they’re crossed. Be consistent with your response.

For example, instead of saying, “You’re not allowed to yell at me,” try, “If this conversation becomes disrespectful, I will step away until we can communicate calmly.”

You cannot control another person’s behavior, thoughts or emotions. You can control how you choose to respond, even when your choices are limited.

Boundaries work both ways. We must respect other people’s limits just as we expect them to respect ours.

For further reading, I recommend “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by licensed therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab and “F*ck No!” by Sarah Knight.

At Sexual Abuse Warriors, we believe boundaries should be taught, practiced, respected and modeled, especially for children learning about safety, consent and healthy relationships.

Boundaries are not about building a life where nobody can reach you. They’re about recognizing when to open the gate, when to close it and when to repair it, and understanding that protecting your peace is also part of protecting your future.

Next in Breaking the Chains: the power of choice.

For part 1 of this column, visit www.spokesman-recorder.com/2026/10/07/breaking-the-chains-part-one-when-the-storm-finally-breaksbreaking-the-cycle-of-trauma-healing-and-recovery/.

Analissa Ruzynski is the founder and president of Sexual Abuse Warriors (SAW). Visit sexualabusewarriors.org for educational programs and resources.